Developments: an understatement.
Okay people. I have been ignoring this blog for long enough. I haven't meant to, but somehow there are always infinite other things that need to take precedence over keeping a fragmented journal of my life. This is too bad, because there will be many, many times in the future that I'll want to look back on this period (or so people tell me)...and it will be hard to do without some kind of documentation.
So here it is. In a haphazard, not particularly chronological, gap-filled way.
I am pregnant.
I'm pretty sure everyone reading this already knows that fact. (I'm pretty sure there's no one reading this anyways.)
Finding out I was pregnant was one of those moments that get completely seared into your brain. I was on my Rheumatology rotation. It was a Friday. I'd had a little bit of spotting a few days previously (which part of me was trying to jump on as am implantation bleed, but the rest of me was actively denying). My boobs had recently started KILLING me. My period was 24 hours late.
So I took an at home pregnancy test. For like the 20th time since Jord and I got married. Every one has been negative, I was doubting my fertility, part of me wanted to cry every time I got my period.
This one was positive.
I sat there in the bathroom, clutching this peice of plastic, my cat winding around my ankles, with Jord in the next room watching TV, and started shaking.
I remember staring at the test, and then at myself in the mirror, and I started crying. Shaking and crying and grinning all at the same time. My heart was racing, I broke out in a sweat. I was pregnant.
I stumbled out into the next room and somehow told Jord. I don't remember how, I just remember how hard it was to stay coherent, how I couldn't stop shaking, and how much I needed to be held. I don't remember his reaction at all...how bad is that? the biggest moment of our married lives thus far and it's all a blur. But he held me like I needed, as eventually the shaking stopped. I couldn't decide whether to be terrified or exhilarated...
Then my pager went off.
So I shoved all this new stuff into the background and drove to St Pauls to see a consult. Then I bought another pregnancy test, just to double check.
Positive again.
Then I called my parents, my siblings, Jord's parents. We were all of 2 weeks, still high risk for miscarriage, but I couldn't keep it in. There was too much emotion involved, I had to dilute it by spreading it around to everyone.
Then I did some reading and found out that this pregnancy was by no means a sure thing. And every day started to be a new challenge. Every twinge I felt was a harbinger of pending abortion. Every morning I expected to see blood in the bowl.
But it never happened.
Other stuff did. Nausea, for example. That definately happened (is still happening). Sore boobs, emotional instability, bleeding gums, fatigue, odd cravings and aversions...all that happened. I got fat...and not in the "you look pregnant" way, more like in the "lay off the chips already" way. My pants don't fit, my bras don't fit, my shirts don't fit. My skin is going nuts. My bowel habits do not bear thinking about, suffice to say there's nothing habitual about them anymore. I'm constantly thirsty and constantly peeing. I get dizzy often, which adds to the nausea. I am demanding and irritable, and capable of extreme stupidity (I forgot the word "arm" the other day).
I guess I should be miserable. (And so should Jord.)
But last monday, I went for a prenatal appointment with my doctor. She pulled out the doppler and suggested we try to listen to the baby's heartbeat. Part of me was sure we wouldn't find it, that something had gone wrong and we just didn't know about it yet (horror stories of missed abortions abound). But she put the probe on my belly, fiddled around for a few seconds, and there it was. The most amazing sound in the world, quick and regular, punctuated by little wooshing noises (she tells me that's the baby moving it's limbs around), with my own, slower heartbeat playing counterpoint in the background.
I am going to be a mom.
So here it is. In a haphazard, not particularly chronological, gap-filled way.
I am pregnant.
I'm pretty sure everyone reading this already knows that fact. (I'm pretty sure there's no one reading this anyways.)
Finding out I was pregnant was one of those moments that get completely seared into your brain. I was on my Rheumatology rotation. It was a Friday. I'd had a little bit of spotting a few days previously (which part of me was trying to jump on as am implantation bleed, but the rest of me was actively denying). My boobs had recently started KILLING me. My period was 24 hours late.
So I took an at home pregnancy test. For like the 20th time since Jord and I got married. Every one has been negative, I was doubting my fertility, part of me wanted to cry every time I got my period.
This one was positive.
I sat there in the bathroom, clutching this peice of plastic, my cat winding around my ankles, with Jord in the next room watching TV, and started shaking.
I remember staring at the test, and then at myself in the mirror, and I started crying. Shaking and crying and grinning all at the same time. My heart was racing, I broke out in a sweat. I was pregnant.
I stumbled out into the next room and somehow told Jord. I don't remember how, I just remember how hard it was to stay coherent, how I couldn't stop shaking, and how much I needed to be held. I don't remember his reaction at all...how bad is that? the biggest moment of our married lives thus far and it's all a blur. But he held me like I needed, as eventually the shaking stopped. I couldn't decide whether to be terrified or exhilarated...
Then my pager went off.
So I shoved all this new stuff into the background and drove to St Pauls to see a consult. Then I bought another pregnancy test, just to double check.
Positive again.
Then I called my parents, my siblings, Jord's parents. We were all of 2 weeks, still high risk for miscarriage, but I couldn't keep it in. There was too much emotion involved, I had to dilute it by spreading it around to everyone.
Then I did some reading and found out that this pregnancy was by no means a sure thing. And every day started to be a new challenge. Every twinge I felt was a harbinger of pending abortion. Every morning I expected to see blood in the bowl.
But it never happened.
Other stuff did. Nausea, for example. That definately happened (is still happening). Sore boobs, emotional instability, bleeding gums, fatigue, odd cravings and aversions...all that happened. I got fat...and not in the "you look pregnant" way, more like in the "lay off the chips already" way. My pants don't fit, my bras don't fit, my shirts don't fit. My skin is going nuts. My bowel habits do not bear thinking about, suffice to say there's nothing habitual about them anymore. I'm constantly thirsty and constantly peeing. I get dizzy often, which adds to the nausea. I am demanding and irritable, and capable of extreme stupidity (I forgot the word "arm" the other day).
I guess I should be miserable. (And so should Jord.)
But last monday, I went for a prenatal appointment with my doctor. She pulled out the doppler and suggested we try to listen to the baby's heartbeat. Part of me was sure we wouldn't find it, that something had gone wrong and we just didn't know about it yet (horror stories of missed abortions abound). But she put the probe on my belly, fiddled around for a few seconds, and there it was. The most amazing sound in the world, quick and regular, punctuated by little wooshing noises (she tells me that's the baby moving it's limbs around), with my own, slower heartbeat playing counterpoint in the background.
I am going to be a mom.
posted by Keltok at 10:46 AM
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